There isn’t much I remember about coming-out; because, it’s a pretty darn boring narrative. I had “the talk” with my mom when I was about 15 and it was lackluster and very drama free. There were some mildly inappropriate questions, some sneers and jeers, but definitely, no polished bells and shiny whistles. I do thank my mom for being; well, not supportive and understanding, but, respectful. Due, in part, to my own deceit, however insightful it was to be.
Yes, I stepped out of the closet, went across the hall, and got right into another closet. I told my mother I was bisexual. At the time, I didn’t think I was, but I felt as if it were the safer, less threatening option. Much milder than a LESBIAN, being bisexual, there was still some hope, some possibility that I might change my mind, come back from the dark side, grow out of this phase I was going through. I could still be in the hetero-club, half-way, but still in. There was a chance of normalcy for me, yet.
What she didn’t know was I had no plans of looking back…at a man. The natural progression for me would be to spend my life, exclusively, with a woman. After high-school, I was well, well on my way. My first long-term relationship was with a magnificent lady. She was everything on your checklist… that type – the prototype type. But it didn’t work out. Fast forward to just after my first broken heart, and voila, I meet the guy of my dreams!
Whoa, Nellie! Was he ever! Smart, articulate, ambitious, la Boehme, and he was an artist. He was almost everything on my checklist…but he was a he. Needless to say, I got over it, and so many children later, it didn’t work out.
So, in talking with my favorite girl, mi madre, on the possibility of well, setting out the line, and seeing what one could reel in, in these shallow waters, I realized, as the conversation unfolded, she thought I had been rehabilitated. Phased-out as planned! Without encumbering you with the details, I felt so ashamed, in that moment, I didn’t correct her; I couldn’t tell her. Besides, what harm would it be to let her believe what she will, especially if it would cause less conflict? Who am I to skew her vision of how she see’s, or would like to see, me? Why do I care?
I left it alone for a few months, but it never left me. I am no coward. I don’t run. I don’t turn away. I do want things to be peaceful, and serene, and will look towards the option that best provides this outcome, but, this, I could not let go. Because more than anything, and this could be my age upon me, I want to be seen as I am. To be respected for the person that I am, today, what ever I may be. With that spirit, I declared: I am BISEXUAL. I have a healthy, unbridled, equal affinity for women… and a man. I am big and full with this realization. Nothing can hold me, especially a closet.
So here’s to dressers in our homes, hampers and totes, suitcases, maybe a wardrobe, but certainly no more closets!
I’ve often heard people speak of bisexuality as if it were only a verb. You do bisexual stuff like roam the streets/the bars/the grocery stores – wherever. You dangle your bisexual chains in a graveyard of lovers, haunting whatever you can get on. It’s a sexual free for all. Nothing is off limits – men/women, dudes/chicks, bros and…well, you get the picture. To be bisexual is to be promiscuous and unfaithful. You’re conniving, manipulative, and greedy because one sex just isn’t enough. Perhaps, maybe, maybe not.
Before we go any further, let me state a disclaimer: to each his own. We define our own complex selves and present that self to the world. My definitions or experiences may not be yours, but common ground is my goal on this journey – the journey: to further examine and document my life as a bisexual woman and put into practice those things I’ve learned through dialog with you.
Now, I can be as monogamous as the next person. If I am in a relationship with someone, I don’t feel incomplete, or like I’m lacking any specific element concerning gender. The range of my desire is just vaster. I am attracted to people. Energy exchanged between someone I like and myself, regardless of their sexual identity, is the most important to me. Humanity turns me on! I’m not listed, though, my dear friend, in the ‘I don’t see gender’ category, ‘cause I do. That’s part of the attraction for me, emotional or otherwise. It’s not the deciding factor, but I understand the concept.
By definition, bisexuality is simply responding sexually to both genders. But, in practice, it is so much more. It’s having the same struggles with relationships and self-identity as anyone, multiplied by two. It’s a headache – for me. In fact, Q-Roc’ers, your homework is finding a bisexual person, and giving ‘em a hug because it’s so, so hard out here!
Think on This… what do you think of bisexual people having gender preferences?
Is there any reason for anyone to blog about bisexuality? Probably, not. Who, on earth, is bisexual anyway? Has anyone ever seen this fabled freak of nature? No one, well, besides the bisexual, of course. And though I’ve heard about/read about others, I’ve never met ‘em; so, obviously, the bisexual is only I.
Nice to meet you. I’m Chan, the lowliest woman who “goes both ways.” I am the lonesome “B” in LGBT. The exclusive occupant of the itty-bitty space where pink and blue merge in rectangles on flags or interlock in triangles – the bi-angles. That’s all me. Sure, this is very dramatic, but bisexuality is the drama of the (all encompassing) queer movement. Call it what you want, though undeniably, we’re the most misunderstood, and often times the ignored or forgotten. The kid caught in the middle that can’t make up her mind on whether she wants to stay with mommy or go with daddy.
But it’s not that at all. Bisexuals, I hope, are real people. People who face discrimination for whom they choose to express their desires with. In our time together, I hope we can come to some…understanding. Maybe others will emerge from the pages of fantasy and erotic notions to live amongst the queer community in solidarity and peace. Or at least, let us just dialog on the concepts that have created these feelings of dissidence and rejection.
So get ready! We’re going to laugh and cry, put in work, and mostly plant and sow the seeds of mutual love and respect!
Think On This… what does being bisexual –whether you are or not- mean to you?
Peace,
Chan
